Today I asked my cats their thoughts on our finances, our housing situation and our spending plan. A. is my nearly 15-year-old calico and C. is my approximately 13-year-old tortishell (she does not like to reveal her exact age). They had plenty to say on the subjects discussed and their comments are transcribed by me below. The lack of opposable thumbs is a challenge for typing although my friend W. insists he has received e-mails from the cats.
F.P.: You two have been living with me for over 13 years [A.] and nearly 12 years [C.] now. How would you compare our finances from when you first met me to our circumstances now?
A. [yawns and stretches from where I disturbed her with my questions while napping]: Meraaow. Meow-meow.
Translation: Far superior. You were only a graduate student when I first came to live with you and you make tons more money now. Finally I can get the good stuff.
C. [walks into the room]: Merow.
Translation: The sink in the first apartment was better for stretching in. Of course, I have gotten bigger over the years...
F.P.: Speaking of apartments, how do you like the house compared to our previous rental residences?
A. [starts licking paw and washing her face]: Merow. Marraow, meow. Mew.
Translation: The places have gotten bigger over time. I did not like it when you first brought C. home and frankly, I am still not fond of her. Still, I put up with the imposition for the many sunny spots and high places from which to leap on C. I need many soft, squishy spots in my elder years.
C. [places front paws next to me and noses my hand inquisitively]: Meow. Mew. Meow.
Translation: When will you get off the computer and pet me? I do not care where I live as long as there is fresh food and water, clean litter boxes and someone to clean up after me.
F.P.: Over the years, you two have become more expensive. With prescription diets, surgery, teeth cleanings, annual check ups, kitty litter, cat toys, scratching boards and medications, it adds up every year. When will you two get a job to help me pay for all this?
A. [looks out the window at cars passing by]: Meyaow. Mew, meow. Meraaow.
Translation: You have kept me in the lifestyle to which I am accustomed. Now that I am a geriatric queen, you want me to work? Foolish human. I have better things to do like napping.
C. [stretches out in the floor in a sunny spot]: Meraow, meow. Meroow.
Translation: I would rather not take those nasty pills you keep shoving down my throat. That is a $10 savings right there! Besides, you were the one to choose the more expensive wheat and pine litter. And stop buying Swheat Scoop. I do not like it anymore.
F.P. : I have been telling my readers about saving for a new car, a new MacBook Pro and for a small farm in the country. What do you think of my future plans?
A. [jumps down from the commode onto the chair and settles in]: Meow, mew. Meraow, meaow.
Translation: You know I do not care for the outdoors so whatever about the farm. I hate cars because you only take me in one to torment me. As if you need another computer to distract you from paying attention to me. Now leave me alone. I need my beauty rest.
C. [stares at me waiting for something more interesting to come along]: Mew. Meow, mew. Meraaow.
Translation: I hate your computer. Like you need another attention-stealing device! I hate your car. Nasty, torturous metal box. The farm could be interesting. I do like playing with mice and if you have chickens, I would love to chase those!
Well, the girls are getting rebellious so I will end our conversation now. The cats have seen me through debt and savings, financial worries and triumphs as well as costing me a pretty penny to maintain their cushy lifestyle and pay their vet bills. If you have any questions for them (or me), just comment and I may broach the subject later. Preferably after they have had their required 18 hours of sleep.
Happy April Fool's Day!